Hope in the Valley of Betrayal Trauma
Sometimes God places a fire within our hearts to come alongside a cause or ministry and other times you end up on rosters of clubs you never asked to join or walk with a girlfriend through the unimaginable. For the past 3 years, I’ve been involved in several ministries that support women who have experienced sexual betrayal in their marriages. I’ve taken a deep dive into this world, speaking extensively with therapists, coaches and biblical counsel, attending retreats & conferences, volunteering, leading small groups, connecting with support groups and recently become a certified peer facilitator for women who have experienced BT {Betrayal Trauma}. I am so thankful for the growing number of resources to help educate and support women who are walking through Betrayal Trauma in their marriages and the intensive path to healing. *My certification is through C-SASI {Christian Sex Addiction Specialists International} after completing A Door Of Hope Training and completing my mentoring program through Be Broken’s Wives Care.
I’m sharing this info in case you or someone you know need education, resources, hope or validation as to what you/they are experiencing whether one or many of these things!
Betrayal Trauma can be a single issue or a multitude of issues:
- Sexual addiction {SA} or Problematic Sexual Behaviors {PSB} can come in many forms such as viewing pornography, visiting massage parlors or other forms of prostitution, sexting, physical infidelity, chat rooms/apps, flirtatious behaviors, emotional infidelity, etc. {The SA or PSB can be with women, same sex, bisexual or a swinger-a person who engages in group sex or swaps sexual partners}.
- Financial infidelity can be an additional cause of Betrayal Trauma and can also accompany SA or PSB as marital funds may be used to support these behaviors.
- Emotional infidelity
SA or PSB may not look like what you think:
- It does not mean someone “needs”, “wants” or “pursues” these things constantly.
- It has nothing to do with the health of the marriage or the physical intimacy within. Someone who is an SA or exhibits PSB will do these things regardless of the state of their marriage and there is often unresolved childhood trauma behind these behaviors.
Below are some common signs or behaviors associated with SA, PSB or infidelity. This doesn’t mean that every person struggling will exhibit any or all of these behaviors. It’s simply what’s most common and often increases with the severity and length the issues have gone on.
- Manipulative repentance~ Calculated behaviors and dialogues used to convince/appear to others that they are sorry when there has been no true repentance. ie Their actions do not back up their words short or long term.
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissistic tendencies. This is a deep subject in and of itself. Understanding the behaviors associated with narcissism is quite complex but worth taking the time to learn about.
- Dr. Ramani is an expert on Narcissism and has amazing resources. Here is just one of her playlists covering things like: Hovering, Love-Bombing, Gaslighting, Scapegoating, Future Faking, Mirroring, Baiting, Flying Monkeys, Trauma Bonding, Breadcrumbing, Devalue and Discard, Triangulation, Narcissistic Supply, Narcissistic Ghosting, Enabling, Narcissistic Injury, Coercive Control, No Contact, Projection, Narcissist Rage, Gray Rock, Boundaries, Codependency, Manipulation, Word Salad, Stonewalling, Intimacy Avoidance, Estrangement, Mind Reading, Gift Giving, Invalidation, Passive Aggressive, Cognitive Dissonance, Narcissistic Amnesia, Soul Distancing, Firewall, Pseudo Spirituality, Psychological Cat-Fishing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPc7UxIfMfY&list=PL3QtnfcMTMhEfRXN-Kk2vndn89nBZxKUj
- Gaslighting– is a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to question their own reality, memories or perceptions. It often occurs in abusive relationships and can lead to confusion, anxiety and a loss of self-trust for the victim.
- Love Bombing – words or acts used to making the betrayed spouse second guess what they found or what their gut may be telling them because their spouse is now acting “nice”. Leaves the victim thinking, “ok, it’s not so bad… he’s being so nice… maybe he’s not lying after all” or “maybe I should stick it out”. This behavior may come and go based on if they feel there is risk of exposure or consequences, etc. and can keep the spouse tangled in false hope or confusion. Love bombing may be used in the courting stage to hook the victim.
- Excellent video on the topic of love bombing & gaslighting! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5ZEByNr1m0&list=PLsn2J3MawJw3Nb2SeCIyCzbgI5firG1MP&index=92
- Deflecting or defending– knee jerk responses to your questions, turning the questions back on spouse or blaming spouse. {See D.A.R.V.O}
- D.A.R.V.O. Response {Deny. Attack. Reverse the roles of the Victim and Offender}
- Manipulation: This can take many forms. For instance, coming up with a narrative to use on others to soften the truth or make them look like the victim in a situation they created. Being “nice” to the victim in front of others or telling others the “nice” thing they do for the victim, again to soften or deny the truth or make them look like the victim in a situation they created.
- Using anger to intimidate or control. This could look like purposefully escalating a situation trying to get your spouse to react then tell them they are the problem or use it against them. Keep spouse walking on eggshells to keep them quiet for fear of what the consequences may be if they speak out.
- Threatening or bullying your spouse: This can be verbal threats to which there may or may not be follow through, physically blocking them if they try to walk away, locking them out of their home, kicking them out or threatening to, etc.
- Frequent sarcasm- often used to cover insecurity or to make light of things or used to deflect discomfort.
- Co-addictions: alcohol, drugs, social media, gaming, gambling, any form of smoking, etc
- Lying or outright untruthful denial– often a complex web of lies- one on top of another even when there is evidence of the truth.
- Future Faking– excessively talking about the future/plans/etc to the betrayed spouse {or even during the courting stage} to keep them hanging on. Promise or assurance of the future “we are going to be ok”, “I know we’re going to make it” but there is no actual effort, just an attempt to avoid the consequences, counseling or accountability.
- Hiding info on devices– will not allow spouse access to phone or computers, clicks off browser windows or turns screen off when someone walks in the room {and may act agitated}.
- Refusing to take 100% responsibility for their SA, PSB or infidelity. There are never 2 people at fault when someone steps outside the marriage. It a calculated decision for an individual no matter what may be happening within the marriage.
- No true remorse: “Sorry they got caught, not sorry for what they did”
- “Blanket” apologies– skirting around taking full responsibility or minimizing what they did: This may look like brushing off an affair that lasted for years, one night stand, multiple affairs or porn viewing with just a blanket apology like “I’m sorry I hurt you or “it was only once” {ie “what’s the big deal” or “you are overreacting”}
- Trickle Truths– only telling bits and pieces at a time- often hoping it’s enough to quiet you-
- Correspondence deliberately written that appears sincere to the legal system– Trying to paint a picture of themselves to the legal system through carefully chosen words, but in actuality is manipulation, bullying and coersive to the victim and to make the victim look like the bad guy. This is the good cop/bad cop scenario on repeat. This is another attempt to get off as easy as possible, skirting around taking full responsibility for their actions.
- Living a double life – can switch hats and has every possible explanation ready should you ever question them. They may also turn off their phone location that they previously shared with their spouse, then turn it on their spouse telling them they are controlling if spouse inquires. You may notice their wedding band taken off sporadically or completely out of what is normal.
- Putting partner’s sexual health at risk through dangerous sexual behaviors and unprotected sexual contact with others. Even protected sex with those outside your marriage is putting your partners sexual health at risk. This is ALL a form of abuse to your partner. They did not consent.
- Refusing STD testing or getting STD testing without telling their spouse, again taking away their ability to make an informed decision {ie to go get tested or to have sexual relations with you regardless of your test results}.
- Physical Abuse of any sort at any time! This doesn’t always leave a visible “scar”. It also includes standing “over” you or backing you in to a corner or blocking you… prohibiting your ability to get away from them. It may include forcing wife to have sex when she’s said no or forcing or guilting her to perform sexual acts she’s uncomfortable with. Having unprotected sex then coming home to their wife and having physical intimacy with her is another form.
- Psychological Abuse
- Sexual Abuse in marriage:
- Emotional Abuse
- Verbal Abuse
- Covert or coercive abuse or control–
- Putting on a public persona while exhibiting any of the above abusive behaviors behind closed doors. Fun-loving, will help anyone anytime, life of the party, active at church, etc.
- Giving partner consequences or punishments for speaking out or holding person accountable through appropriate action steps and setting personal boundaries.
- Refusing counseling by minimizing behaviors or telling the spouse that they are the one with the issues. You also may see that they do counseling as a “check the box” item, going infrequently hoping that it will be enough to “count”. No intention of doing the work. Eventually stopping.
- Telling spouse they are being controlling if they inquire about the SA’s recovery plan, accountability plan, asks where they are or what they are doing, etc.
- Being irritated with having to discuss a topic or answer a question more than once should the betrayed spouse need to process it more or be reassured.
- Emotional anorexia– Lack of ability to connect emotionally or not empathetic or sympathetic. Sometimes unable to deal with emotions or feel emotions.
- Spiritual abuse- This can take many forms such as using scripture as a weapon, lying to church clergy, punishing spouse for reaching out to their church for help. Using “submit” language demanding wife “meet their needs” {often while they are unrepentant for their sexual sin}
- Refusing to do a full therapeutic disclosure {includes impact and restitution sessions and polygraph}. Trying to convince you it’s not necessary or worth the expense {or other excuses} because they’ve already told you “everything” while there is tangible evidence otherwise. This denies the betrayed spouse the right to informed consent in regard to being able to make a decision about the future based on the whole truth. A therapeutic disclosure is an act of love to the betrayed spouse and a huge step in healing for the SA. It says “I am coming completely clean no matter what the cost”. Statistics show that when TD’s are done {with trained professionals} that the rate of reconciliation increases drastically.
- Manipulating children {minor or adult}, always playing “good cop”, buying lavish gifts, trying to be in-disposable through physical or financial support, making big promises for the future, always saying yes, talking badly or lying about their mother, fighting for custody just to hurt their mother, not because they want it. Putting kids in the middle as pawns. Telling kids not to tell when kids have found something. Using adult children for counsel or support.
- Isolating or retreating from community
- Fits of rage or anger then expecting spouse and/or family members to move along from it with no discussion or acceptance of responsibility. Conditions family to not deal with problems for fear of the response they will get.
So, what can you do if you or someone you know is experiencing this?
- It is beneficial for the betrayed partner to see a trauma informed therapist. You can find one through APSATS {Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists}. It is recommended the spouse with SA/PSB see a CSAT {certified sexual addiction therapist and/or one that deals specifically with addictions} that is willing to work with the spouses APSATS and understands a trauma informed approach. {I know several and am happy to help connect you}
- https://apsats.org
- https://iitap.com/general/custom.asp?page=csat
- The marriage “counseling “model can be detrimental at this time {it will come later!}
- “Abuse, addiction, and chronic adultery issues are NOT marriage problems, they are personal sin problems. Marriage counseling doesn’t work because the marriage is NOT the problem. Yes, abuse, addictions and chronic adultery cause marriage problems, but marriage problems do not cause abuse, addiction, and adultery. Do you hear the difference?” Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
- Require your spouse to do a Full Therapeutic Disclosure with a therapist that is trained how to do them. If your spouse wants to try to reconcile, this is recommended to be a non-negotiable. The Betrayed spouse gets to drive this as to how much information they would like in order to make an informed decision about the possibility of moving forward in seeing if reconciling is possible. The betrayed spouse has the right to 100% of the information in order to make a decision. This is informed consent. This is love. This is what it looks like to walk it out, not just say what they want reconciliation. If they are dancing around this or refusing to do one, it’s a red flag.
- Join a support group such as:
- Be Broken-Wives Care {for the guys too} https://www.bebroken.org
- Hope Redefined https://hoperedefined.org/online-groups/
- Not a Casserole Widow https://www.notacasserolewidow.com
- Recovered Peace https://recoveredpeace.com
- Attend a retreat such as:
- The Guest House Project- weekend respite retreat for women experiencing betrayal trauma. https://www.theguesthouseproject.com
- Redefining Hope- a weekend intensive for women that have experienced betrayal trauma https://hoperedefined.org/retreats/
- Build a safe support network
- Do not isolate-ask trusted friends to check on you
- Get sound biblical counseling & spiritual guidance along with the therapeutic counseling/coaching
- Seek counsel at your church {possibly take a trusted friend with you for support}. If they don’t take these matters seriously & biblically, consider finding a church that does. So much damage can happen when women reach out to the church and they don’t understand the issue {and aren’t taking proactive steps to get equipped} or avoid dealing with the matter.
Here are resources to share with your church leaders:
- https://hopeforwives.com/episode-39-dear-pastor-part-1/
- https://hopeforwives.com/episode-40-dear-pastor-part-2/
- https://harvestusa.org
- https://csbdhopeforhealing.org/about-us/
- https://sexualintegrityleaders.com
- https://calledtopeace.org/church-partnership/
Excellent reads for her:
*This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases
- Your Sexually Addicted Spouse https://amzn.to/4jO0FRb
- From Trauma to Transformation https://amzn.to/443y6t4
- Good Boundaries & Goodbye’s https://amzn.to/403dtMg
- Forgiving What You Can’t Forget https://amzn.to/4e4sxPH
- “The Body Keeps the Score” https://amzn.to/43Ksipu
- When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography https://amzn.to/3SUaLVx
- Building True Intimacy https://amzn.to/4k3vWja
- Breaking Barriers Building Bridges https://amzn.to/3ToXEMt
- Determined for more https://amzn.to/4lbp97K
- The Betrayal Bind https://amzn.to/3G7xoD8
Workbooks:
- Full Disclosure https://amzn.to/441KHNs
- Full Disclosure Vol 1 https://amzn.to/4e4pc2R
- Full Disclosure Vol 2 https://amzn.to/3HIdhf3
- Full Disclosure Vol 3 https://amzn.to/4e47D2X
For both: Healthy, biblical communication is key!
- War of Words https://amzn.to/3HI94rZ
- From Crisis to Connection Podcast: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasts/from-crisis-to-connection-with-geoff-jody-steurer
- Affair Recovery https://www.affairrecovery.com/
Great podcasts:
https://hopeforwives.com/episodes/
https://therapyandtheology.transistor.fm/episodes
https://www.flyingfreenow.com/category/podcast
https://www.youtube.com/@bebroken/videos
https://www.faithfulandtrue.com/podcast
https://www.authenticintimacy.com/podcast/
https://www.youtube.com/@livingstonescoaching9705
https://helpingcouplesheal.com/podcasts
https://livingtruth61.podbean.com
Great Videos on Infidelity Trauma:
Great Websites and counselors/coaches:
https://www.banyantherapy.com/the-team/
https://www.faithfulandtrue.com
https://www.notacasserolewidow.com
https://liferenovationcc.com/aboutus
Reads & Resources for him:
- Worthy of Her Trust https://amzn.to/44fegw6
- Out of the Shadows https://amzn.to/3TqZ88G
- Grace Based Recovery https://amzn.to/4kZYpqW
- Be Broken https://www.bebroken.org
- Husband Material: https://www.husbandmaterial.com
- *also Jake Porter, Dan Drake and many of the websites above
If you or anyone you know needs resources or has questions, please do not hesitate to reach out via Messenger on my business FB page or if you know me personally you know how to reach me. There are amazing resources available for individuals, couples and families!
Check back for updates to resources as well as additional related posts and feel free to share any you feel would be helpful to add!
p.s. I know men can experience this as well. Sadly there are not as many resources but still much of the above would be helpful for a husband experiencing betrayal trauma. Reach out to The Guest House Project for their upcoming fall retreat for men!
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